in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize