The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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