Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
