Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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