I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Shame is for Republicans.
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