shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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