He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's just like the Real World with babies
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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