Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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