i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
