when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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