I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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