I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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