eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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