I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize