so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
