Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
