He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
