Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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