3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
