if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
