It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
