The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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