How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
