textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
