just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize