toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
