At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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