me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
