Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the day after is always just damage control
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
