i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
