I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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