She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
