I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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