i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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