He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
