i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
