we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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