Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
