I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
