I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
