I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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