I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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