Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
