Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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