My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
