we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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