remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize