were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
