who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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