new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
