Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize