i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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