Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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