And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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