hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
