you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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