u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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