He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
