He asked to "fluff my boner.."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
