To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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