there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I need moral support for this bender
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
