just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
