that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it hurts more in the daytime
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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